The Art of Giving and Receiving Meaningful Feedback

Over the past several days, I’ve been giving feedback to my colleagues through the Impact Learning platform—and in the process, I’ve come face-to-face with some uncomfortable truths.

The first? I didn’t know some of my colleagues well enough to answer certain questions meaningfully. When asked to assess a colleague’s ability to manage stress or model habits of effectiveness, I struggled. But when prompted to describe a teammate in three to seven words, I felt more confident. This contrast got me thinking: how can we make the act of giving and receiving feedback more routine—something that’s woven into our daily interactions, rather than reserved for formal reviews?

Redefining Feedback

For this reflection, I define feedback as the regular practice of sharing observations about an individual’s performance—especially in relation to making and keeping high-quality commitments that affect team results. At its best, feedback happens in structured conversations that focus on three key areas:

• Work (Performance): How are we delivering on our commitments?

• Voice (Growth): How are individuals developing?

• Clearing the Path (Removing Constraints): What’s getting in the way?

Effective feedback is about observed behavior, delivered with honesty and care, followed up with intention. It’s a balancing act between challenge and support—and when done well, it leads to growth for both the giver and the receiver.

Learning from the Experts

In their book Tell Me So I Can Hear You, educators Eleanor Drago-Severson and Jessica Blum-DeStefano explore common challenges in giving feedback, including:

1. The universal need for effective feedback

2. The skills and knowledge of the feedback giver

3. The complexities of working within a “culture of nice”

4. The importance of understanding the feedback receiver

Although their context is U.S. school systems, I found their insights surprisingly relevant to my own work in Uganda—especially this past week.

Take, for example, their first point: the need for effective feedback. They argue that the impact of frequent, well-constructed feedback far outweighs the effort put into formal reports and performance reviews. In my experience, feedback often comes long after the moment has passed, making it harder for both the giver and receiver to connect it to real behavior. By the time we give it, its value has diminished.

The Role of the Feedback Giver

Drago-Severson and Blum-DeStefano also stress that who delivers the feedback matters immensely. The identity, credibility, and consistency of the feedback giver shape how their message is received. I’ve come to realize that when feedback is part of weekly check-ins—where we also coach, celebrate wins, and remove barriers—it’s more likely to be trusted and acted upon.

And we’ve seen this reflected in our own workplace. In our annual Gallup Employee Engagement survey, employees have said that regular, meaningful feedback is essential to staying motivated and engaged.

When Nice Isn’t Enough

Then there’s the reality of the “culture of nice.” I remember a colleague telling me I was “too soft” on poor performance. One ExCo member even said to me: “That American nice doesn’t work here. You have to stomp on people to get results,” stomping his foot to emphasize the point.

Now, I don’t believe in stomping on people—but the comment stuck with me. Being “nice” shouldn’t mean avoiding difficult conversations. We can’t label performance as “satisfactory” when our results tell a different story. I’ve since realized that I lacked the courage to have regular, hard conversations—especially with team members who’ve been with us a long time.

The research backs this up. Drago-Severson and Blum-DeStefano cite a study where executives said the biggest challenge to effective performance management was managers lacking the courage to have difficult discussions.

Feedback is a Skill—for Both Giver and Receiver

One of the most powerful takeaways from Tell Me So I Can Hear You is this: receiving feedback is a developmental capacity. It’s something we can learn. Adults interpret feedback based on their current stage of development, their mindset, and their experiences. This means we need to be thoughtful not just about what we say—but how and when we say it.

We all have our own "toolkits" for interpreting language and actions. Recognizing this is key to building a culture where feedback is seen as a gift, not a threat.

The Path Forward

I’ve been fortunate to work with leaders who made feedback a cornerstone of their leadership style. They gave it regularly, honestly, and in a way that built trust. Inspired by them—and my own journey—I’m committing to getting better at planning, delivering, and following up on feedback.

Because here’s what I believe: consistent, behavior-focused feedback that connects to our shared goals is the foundation of a high-trust culture. And when trust is high, performance and growth follow.

When Being Grey is Not Enough

At the Maman Coffee Shop in Union Market on a chilly Washington DC morning earlier today, a young man looking for a phone charger approached me. After someone else offered him a cable, he thanked me for offering to help. Then he asked, "Are you watching something interesting on your laptop?" I responded that I was doing schoolwork.

He appeared stunned. "Are you still in school? Wow, you look like you have it all figured out by now." Laughing, I pointed to my fully white-bearded face and asked what made him say that. "Oh no, life is one continuous learning!" I replied. "True," he said as he walked away.

This is about the second time I've had this experience. The first was during a conversation with an Uber driver who expressed shock that I was "still in school." These responses surprise me. I've never thought it was too late to learn anything, perhaps because I'm in the learning business, where we partner with individuals and teams to work on situations that matter most to them.

Our coaching clients range widely—from nineteen-year-olds preparing for college abroad (we just concluded a class for five young Ugandans heading to international universities) to chief executives of large financial institutions translating business strategy into frontline behaviors or exploring their leadership development. We also work with school administrators and teachers building systems of accountability, culture, and leadership.

So when can it be too late to learn? I'm not sure. I grew up in a home filled with books, thanks to my late father who worked as a publisher at a government-owned publishing company in Nigeria. Reading and writing were commonplace, so much so that I represented my high school in writing, debating, and current affairs competitions. That I would become an adult educator in my later years seems part of a divine orchestration I've come to appreciate.

Regarding age and learning, experts tell us that "The capacity to learn is a gift; the ability to learn is a skill; the willingness to learn is a choice. Research now confirms this isn't just philosophical—adults who engage in mentally stimulating activities throughout their lives show a 63% reduced risk of developing dementia, suggesting that learning may be our most powerful tool for cognitive preservation." This comes from Michael Merzenich, a neuroscientist and pioneer in brain plasticity research, drawing on the Bronx Aging Study published in 2017.

While learning is a choice, knowing how to learn is a crucial skill in this age of rapid technological advancement. According to growth mindset pioneer Carol Dweck, "In an age of exponential knowledge growth, the most valuable skill is not knowledge itself but the meta-skill of learning how to learn. Our 20-year study demonstrates that individuals who cultivate this capacity show significantly enhanced cognitive flexibility and problem-solving abilities across the lifespan."

For most adults, learning won't happen in formal educational programs like the one I'm in—it will come from daily life experiences. Jack Mezirow, pioneer of transformative learning, noted that "The most transformative learning rarely happens in classrooms but emerges from the crucible of lived experience. Our 15-year ethnographic study reveals that 78% of adults identify critical life challenges—career transitions, relationship changes, health crises—as their most profound teachers. Such experiential learning doesn't merely add to one's knowledge; it fundamentally restructures meaning-making systems and worldviews in ways traditional education seldom achieves."

To benefit from experiential learning, we must slow down to create space for reflection, meaning-making, and informed action. Many know the phrase "experience is the best teacher"—but that's not quite right. As John Dewey, the influential American educational philosopher, reminded us: "We do not learn from experience... we learn from reflecting on experience."

Perhaps it's not about the relationship between grey hair/white beard and learning. Rather, it's our commitment to learn by mining our experiences and making meaning of what life presents that may be our most important tool for navigating modern life. Robert Kegan captured this challenge: "The expectations upon us to be the authors of our own lives, to be self-initiating, self-correcting, self-evaluating rather than depending upon others to frame the problems, initiate adjustments, or determine whether things are going acceptably well—these expectations may be developmentally inappropriate for many of us. We may be in over our heads."

I dare add that our choice to grow and commitment to learn may be one of our most powerful options in the space between what we do and what modern life demands.

Francis Egbuson

Washington DC